My Doom Loop

I had lived a life of “But, I don’t want to keep on doing the same thing! Over and over and over again.”

Wake up…I didn’t really want to, I just did.

Drink…I didn’t really want to, I just did.

Live…I didn’t really want to, I just did.

No, I didn’t live, I excised, I functioned, I did what I was told. I sure didn’t live. I wasn’t alive!!I was surviving, running like a stray dog looking for shelter and food, or should I say “love and connection.”

How many of these stories have we heard? How many do we identify with? How many ever change?

Okay, so we know we need to stop the physical addictions.

However, if we do not become willing to face the looming, dooming past sensations that are still stuck in our body, that still feel like something chasing us from the past, almost catching up, almost have us ‘by the collar’, almost winning the race from our past.

If we are not willing to feel the feelings and sensations we have avoided for a life time, we will always need something to replace the addiction with, something else to escape with, numb out with, distract ourselves with, get busy with, focus on, so we don’t have to feel “it.”

The numbing may not be that obvious any longer. We are not using an “outside vice” like drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, shopping, or sex anymore. We have gone “internal.” We can still avoid feeling by obsessive thinking, reading, cleaning, sorting, surfing the net, researching, studying, baking, knitting, or just exercising until fatigued enough so we can pass out and then do the same tomorrow.

My Doom Loop ended when . . .

I learned that I had to connect with myself. That if I wanted to get rid of any of the ‘bad old stuff’ I had to connect deep inside with my core and become willing to ‘ride the wave’ of sensations and emotions that were bubbling up….every single time I exhaled and dropped inside.

I know how crazy that sounds, but I have learned that when I connect with ME, I have the Intuitive Intelligence to know what my next step is. I can feel settled internally and have more ability to think. My attention is not occupied by ‘avoiding bad feelings’.

When I loose connection with Self I wonder, and wander aimlessly within between feelings, sensations, and thoughts without any direction or knowing what to pay attention to; like a car that is stuck in idle. I just do not seem to be able to kick myself into gear.

The most irritating part of this is that I KNOW it’s going on, and still cannot stop it. Sometimes it even happens when I do get into gear.

IF I have been idling for long, lost time, and feel frantic about completing my task, I seem to speed up the attention to the point where it feels like I’m burning the tires but getting nowhere fast. I am manic, full of fear of not getting it done.

The loop goes from idle with no congruent thought process, a blank slate, not being able to even make up a thought, no ability to know what to do next….to a million thoughts racing, not knowing which one to pick, but being in a state of panic because I’m “running out of time.”

When this happens I start feeling threatened and fearful, if I don’t catch it in time, I’ll find myself eating, catching a thought and obsessively thinking about it….”what happens if my husband dies,” “if I don’t’ get more clients,” “if I will never learn the techie stuff with my computer.”

The trick is that obsessive thinking can be used as an anecdote for not feeling, another “escape route” from feeling our internal discomfort. We can fall into the story about “why” or “if” and get stuck there. At least I don’t have to feel the discomfort from the idle or racing.

My Doom Loop ended when . . .

I could stay connected, even when it was uncomfortable and “face myself.” When I could live in the sensations, live in the body, live with the shakings, the pressure in my chest, live with that weird choking feeling in my throat, live with the truth about me.

The truth is….that I had spent my life trying to avoid feeling anything. Because my past had not been pleasant. When I could finally “meet” my past, the feelings and sensations from my past that I had avoided for a lifetime.

What a freedom! I was out of the hamster wheel, the endless cycle of the same thing, the same kind of thought, the same negative, depressed thought pattern, same depression, same rage, same mania. In other words, I was out of my negative repetitive habits.

Ah…Free at last. My Doop Loop ended.

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