Letting Go of the Past Makes the Present a Gift

WHAT IS REGRET?

Merriam-Webster dictionary says that, “some common synonyms of regret are anguish, grief, sorrow, and woe. While all these words mean "distress of mind," regret implies pain caused by deep disappointment, fruitless longing, or unavailing remorse.”

Do we think that we would not feel regret if we would have done everything “right”?

Would we be rid of feeling guilt and shame if we could change the past? We can get stuck in thoughts that say, “What if I would have…? Would I feel better now?”

How does our memory work and what part does it play in feelings of regret about our past?

Some say we remember life the way we feel it. In this sense, our past functions something like a filing cabinet of feelings illustrated by a few images. If we felt rejected, dismissed, or excluded, we often remember more of the negative experiences and how we were mistreated.

If we remember feeling good, excited, and loved in our past, we remember our past as being good, innocent, light, and we remember feeling included, part of, with plenty of fun memories. We feel as if we had a good childhood.

Lisa Feldman Barrett, Ph.D, Scientist, and Distinguished Professor of Psychology at Northeastern University, says, in her book Seven and a Half Lessons about the Brain, that...

"...our brain is predicting and preparing for what’s going to happen next…before it happens."

It’s as if, unconsciously, we are preparing for what we “know” will happen, because it happened in our past and the brain remembers and prepares for the next similar experience, good or bad.

Depending on past experience and our brain’s interpretation of it, the brain has already predicted what is going to happen this time, and we then “see” that as our experience and react accordingly. In other words, our behaviors will reflect what we feel is going to happen.

What do we get out of hanging onto this story? What benefits are there in explaining our life to others through the same old lens? Attention? Importance? Does it give us “value”? Do we feel more that we matter?

I suspect I was guilty of hanging on to a sad past to have something to talk about…me!

I sometimes looked for someone to call and tell how hard it was for me to be me. Based on my past, I had plenty of reasons to feel as my life was hard.

Drugs, alcohol, abuse, dead child, PTS, more children, fear, anxiety, dead husband, more fear…I mean, I had reasons to feel bad until…a coach told me,

“You wear your past as a badge of honor. Look at me! My life has been so hard. Poor me!”

Hearing what my coach said hurt…and got me to see that...

...it was time to change. We can let go…NOW! 

We can resolve the triggers around our memories, and feel the somatic release when we do.

There can be discomfort in allowing sensations to arise. There can be discomfort in ending the repetitive loop of explaining why life is hard, why we cannot move on, why we hold on to resentment, guilt, and shame.

The somatic work we must do to get out of the loop can feel like too much…so much so that some of us may be overwhelmed with the task and would rather stay stuck in the same old rut. At least we don’t have to do something that we don’t know the outcome of.

How often do you think about your past, feeling regret or that thing that you’re still angry about, sad about, hurting about?

Every time you sit with a memory, ask you Self, “What am I getting out of spending time in this memory?”

Ask you Self, “Am I avoiding anything in this moment that makes me rather spend time in my past? Silence, boredom, work, specific tasks I need to accomplish…what is it that I am trying to avoid?”

I heard someone say, “Yes, it is awful that he abused you, but every time you think about it, you are abusing your Self. He is gone.”

When you find your Self starting to wallow in your past, check in with your body. Does it have a “stinger”, a trigger, something that feels uncomfortable?

Sit with it, acknowledge the sensations, allow everything to be,...

...do nothing, and it will pass. Then…go back to the thought, the thing, that moment, and see…does it still have the same effect on you?

If so, acknowledge it again. But, if it no longer stings, it’s gone.

Notice if you’re looking to file it somewhere, just in case. Notice if you feel empty without this part of your past. Notice if you’re trying to bring it back. Notice if you feel okay with it being gone…forever.

When we let go of our past, it can feel as if we are giving up part of our identity.

WE ARE!

And we create new space for our authentic Self.

When we can sit in the void and just be, we are allowing the true Self to emerge.

What happens for you in the moment when you no longer sink into your past. Notice if you feel a little lighter, more open, maybe even seeing more possibilities for something new to arise.

Could that “something new” be your authentic Self, who you truly are without your story?

Can you stay here in the present moment and feel into how it feels to be alive…without the weight of your past?

Right here in the moment.

That’s the gift!

If you would like some help with letting go and finding your gift, I invite you to contact me on my website.