What Keeps Us from Being Our Self?

What is it that holds us back…truly?

Fear? Of what?

Personally, I hate feeling stupid, so, of course, when I am in a situation I do not understand, given directions I do not understand, and expected to “get it done!” I become defensive and find myself not giving the project my all.

I do understand – the “get it done” part – but how?

Then I hear from the other person, “I just told you how!”

I know! But my brain hurts, like the gear is stuck. I’m not processing the words that just came at me; they feel like darts, small prickly darts on my face; they feel like shame.

This feeling of shame at not understanding is also like a coffee grinder that’s not working: The beans are not coming through; it’s running on idle.

My brain is working feverishly to process the directions I’ve been given; it’s just that the beans are not making it through. I hate my brain!

Now I hear from the other, “What is it you don’t understand?”

My answer? “Pretty much everything you just told me.” (The shame is overwhelming!)

It’s as if all the cars are moving and mine is still, even as I am stepping on the gas. Many thousands of RPMs later, the engine is hot, but my car is still. I cannot get the gear to “catch”. I hate my brain! It’s hot, foggy, and hurting. I hate being me.

Then I hear, “But you are so smart; how come you don’t get it?”

I DON’T KNOW! I HATE not knowing. That’s what creates the fear – not knowing…how to be, what to do, how to do it, and how not to look stupid doing it.

So, I sit with it, allow it, feel the fear and discomfort, the shame from decades ago.

I feeeeeel the feelings of inadequacy, the tears from years of feeling stupid, and the heaviness from the hopeless feeling of “I will always be this stupid.”

I allow it all to bubble up, to take over my Self, to drown me.

And then…suddenly this calm comes over me.

This is who you are; deal with it; find your brilliance, be authentic, and practice radical self-acceptance.

Radical Self-Acceptance it is!

I suddenly feel better. I’m coming out of the gutter, I’m coming up for air, and I’m feeling my gift, my purpose.

Ah, air! I’m here, in the moment, in the now, and everything is always okay in the now.

So, let’s stay in the now, and thrive in the now, and move through the barriers in the now, and… oh! …

… so that’s how you do it? Got it! Oh … I GOT IT.

My goodness, I think my brain is catching; it’s in gear!

I realize that I understand, I am intelligent, and I have brilliance!

When the body calms down, the brain calms down, and the “grinder” can process the beans.

Result: A wonderfully strong and delicious espresso! I love my life. I can be…ME!

How about you? Can you be You?

If you can relate to my personal story and think you may want to explore a way to feel more ease and comfort in your life, I invite you to contact me on my website.