Why Don’t I Enjoy the Holidays?

What makes it so hard to enjoy the holiday spirit? People are smiling and getting ready for family and friends. And I just want to crawl into bed and wake up when it’s all over.

Or do I?

At this time of year, many of us struggle with loneliness, depression, and even despair.

Or, should we just call it “The Blues”?

Why do The Blues show up during the holidays? How does our story affect our ability to enjoy the holidays? And how much do we allow our story to interfere with any joy we might feel at this time?
Personally, I experience a pull from the rabbit hole of my past to let go of the effort to celebrate and, instead, fall into The Blues.

My childhood was filled with depressing and tense holidays – nothing to celebrate, just the imperative to be “seen, not heard”.

After I left home, I didn’t celebrate Christmas for more than 15 years. I made sure I stayed drunk during that time so as not to feel the pain from the memories.

Then, I had children. Good reasons to celebrate…right?

December 1, 1990, was the day my husband and I turned off the life support for our two-month-old baby girl, Kristina.

One more reason to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed.

We had two more girls. More reasons to celebrate, right?

However, the fear of losing my daughters dampened my ability to feel joy and lingered over me like the fog rolling in over the San Francisco Bay Bridge.

I used to sit on Baker Beach with my two wonderful girls, 2 and 3 at the time, and look at the bridge as the fog rolled in. I remember it as if it were right now as I’m writing.

The paralyzing feeling in my body, pressure in my chest, closing of my throat, bite in my jaws. I would stare at my girls unable to engage and feeling lost, scared, and inadequate.

Every year between October and January, I would fall down the rabbit hole and be heavy, depressed, and unavailable for my children.

I cried to my 12-step program sponsor, “I don’t want to be depressed again; I want to be there for my girls. I don’t want to feel like this.”

Her answer threw me for a loop. “Then don’t!”

As if I had a choice! I was so insulted.

How could she be so unkind, so mean, with such a lack of compassion for me…poor me, who was working so hard just to survive the day? I couldn’t help myself…right?

I was a prisoner in my own head, a victim of an emotional and mental strait-jacket.

My sponsor told me, “Regardless of your ‘issues’ with the holidays, your children deserve happy memories.”

And that was true!

As parents, we must not dump our issues on our kids.

But we do…until we don’t!

I had a choice: I could stay on Baker Beach and complain about the cold and fog.

Or, I could put some effort into packing it all up, getting into traffic, driving across the bridge, and on the other side…enjoying the sun. Because, there is a sun. Regardless of the weather, there will always be a sun!

And I can find the sun in my life. If I am willing to do what it takes!

That sponsor shifted my belief system, my victim mentality, the way I saw the future. She was my first wake-up call to a life without blame, one that includes hope!

Hope is that oxygen that gets you out of bed in the morning.

So, do I really want to crawl into bed until it’s all over? Not really.

I have a lingering sensation in my body, a fog, a combination of sensations that sends a message of pain – a body memory of pain, of “bad weather”. If I don’t watch it, this cluster of physical sensations will rise, pick up speed, and travel via my spine to reach my brain stem, my reptilian brain, the one that acts without thinking.

Alerted, the reptilian brain starts moving, motivated by reactive instincts, looking for danger, and sending the message of “danger” and “pain” to my “fight/flight” station, the “amygdala”. My amygdala processes the message in a nanosecond and signals to my “emotional brain” that there is pain.

The emotional brain, with its bias and own interpretation (based on my story), sends the message to my frontal lobe, the so-called “executive frontal lobe”, the “thinker”.

Depending on my self-awareness at the time, the thinker will interpret the emotional message, look for a thought that fits, and off I go!

“Oh, it’s that time of year. It’s going to be hard again,” and my brain can flood me with memories that fit the emotions and sensations that have traveled up to, and are now securely embedded in, my brain. Within the time it takes to blink my eyes, I’m thinking: “It’s going to be a hard day. Everybody is happy but me. I am depressed!”

But am I really?

Or, is this just a familiar “state of mind and body” that I can shift away from…if I want to?

Here is the real issue:

Do I want to stay here, in this comfortable emotional gutter, warm and fuzzy, and familiar like an old blanket? Or, am I willing to exert a little effort, and get out of it, get across the bridge? And, by choice, find the sun and have a good day? Because it is…a choice!

When I hear my brain say, “I’m depressed,” I can answer with, “I have a thought that says, ‘I am depressed.’ However, that’s not me! It is only a thought!”

And that is the secret to my ability to feel joy! The question is:  Do I really want to?

Or, would I rather pull the covers over me? Well, I have a choice, and, no, I don’t!

I want to live! I want to feel joy, regardless of the time of year.

Today, I will have a good day…by choice.

Interested in discovering how your story influences your holidays? I can help. Please contact me.